Music: Autumn Love by DCFC

Death Cab has never let me down. No matter what I'm going through in life they always seem to have a song that expresses exactly what my heart wants to say. Autumn Love was not what I expected and at first I was caught off-guard feeling that it didn't sound much like their usual stuff... until I did my customary tradition of listening to a new song on repeat for like 20 times in a row. This song has now come to define my current mood and what I've been trying to say for months.



"No more lighthouses to deceive me" 

I grew up as a Jehovah's Witness and have been associated with that organization ever since I was 4 years old. That belief system controlled the way I behaved, acted, and thought, however, I recently left and I finally now feel like I'm in control of my life for the first time. For some it can be a lighthouse to help them get through tough times, but for me it ended up only stifling my own personal growth and hindered my ability to feel empathy for the world around me.

"just leave me floating on the open ocean and let the moonlight take me anywhere on a tidal flow"

My girlfriend was instrumental in helping me realize I had to take control of my life. Her genuine care and concern gave me the freedom to look into what I used to believe and scrutinize it, putting it under a microscope and looking at it objectively, seeing whether or not it was actually helping me or hurting me. In the end, I realized I had to make changes and start living life for myself.

Interestingly enough, her last name is Luna, which means Moon in Spanish. I've always thought of her as the light that guides me in the dark, and she's always said I'm the ocean, with its calm waves that help relax her when things are hectic, so hearing these two be sung about together made me feel like this song was already speaking directly to me. And the idea of the moon helping the ocean creates waves and get it moving, almost like a pat on the back to say it's okay, is exactly how I feel about my girlfriend.

"...and if I capsize it's alright because I've been feeling too invincible"

As a JW, I used to believe the world was going to end imminently which meant I shouldn't focus on a career long-term. I shouldn't think about retiring. I shouldn't even have kids, really, because it'll only make surviving the end of the world even harder. Having that constantly in your mind: that as God's chosen people you will survive Armageddon (that will kill 99.9% of the human population, children included) gives you this certain air about you. You feel almost superior that you know "the Truth" and everyone else is living in darkness. You feel almost invincible.

So the idea of capsizing or sinking in the open water is okay with me. Even if I fail or I don't make it completely to what I want to do it's alright because at least I will have tried, which is more than I can say when I was knocking on doors every Saturday trying to warn people about the end. I am not invincible and I'm fragile, just like everyone else, but I'll make due with whatever life decides to throw my way.

"I need to know depths deeper than the deepest of connections"

It was only after that I allowed myself to look at material that criticized what Jehovah's Witnesses believe did I start to make real human connections. I could finally be honest with not only myself but with others too. I felt more comfortable with my honest opinions and I didn't have to hold back from what I wanted to say or feel. I could just be me. And I was able to feel closer to someone than I ever have in my life. It was only after sinking through the darkest period of my life did I feel the tug of the strongest connection to another human being I ever experienced.

"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, this Autumn Love... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, is not enough"

It truly is a sad thing to realize that my marriage of 6 years was built upon a belief system that continually made us worry not about ourselves but about how we could better serve God. This is despite the fact that no matter how much we did we always were plagued with crippling anxiety, an agonizing work-schedule, and relationships within the organization that felt shallow. I still feel hurt in my heart over it because my ex-wife, and those around me who I thought were basically my brothers and sisters in the faith, all ended up being severed from having any contact with me, as per the rules of the JW organization. We all had gone through so much together, sacrificing everything in behalf of what we felt was "the Truth", but at the end of the day they now feel that I am the enemy. That I was influenced by "the world", changed from the person they used to know, and I became someone they couldn't possibly understand even though now I feel more empathy and love than ever before -- even towards them because I wish they too could feel what it's like to live for themselves.

So that love... that love that was built on false hope. That love for a God that I no longer believe in. It just wasn't enough and I'm better for it.

"If there's no beacon tonight to guide me I'll finally break the shackles of direction"

When things were incredibly tough close to a year ago and I was doubting everything I had ever learned, I prayed to God and asked for help. I begged him. I cried. I had given him everything I could possibly do for his sake and now I was only asking for what I was taught to do: to have faith that he would help me out in my time of need. His response? Silence. There was no answer. No light. No beacon to guide me, and I realized that if I wanted to be happy I would have to make my own way. And so it felt disappointing because everything I was taught was for nothing but now at least I no longer was a prisoner to those beliefs anymore.

"... and let the headlights lead me anywhere that they want to go"

A few months later I moved out of my hometown. I drove 12 hours away to a city I had only stepped foot in a handful of times but didn't know anyone there. With everything I owned all packed to the brim in my tiny car I began a new journey that would define the beginning of my new life.

"I feel at home now out on a bough in the lattice of the backbone"

Like a ship cruising at a comfortable speed out in the open sea looking out in every direction and seeing nothing but possibility, that's the view I have ahead of me. There's nothing in my way now and if I fail then I can say it was completely because of myself and no one else to blame. I am taking responsibility for every action and I no longer point the finger at "sin" or "imperfection". I am a human first and foremost and therefore I feel and have desires, wants, and needs. I desire adventure. I want new experiences. And I need to feel love.

And not only that, but what is more important than to feel that you belong? Even though I'm in a new place with new people constantly around me I still feel at home.

I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be.

"... where the highways are holding in the pieces of our broken hearts"

And the road behind me doesn't change. I can look into the rear-view mirror and still feel hurt and still feel the pain that I caused for many people. When I left it was not a clean break. The fragments and pieces that left so many wondering where I was or who I was now still haunt me, but I can't let that pain stop me from looking ahead. I will bottle that pain and place it in a shelf within my heart and never forget the experiences and the friendships and loves I had because they were all precious to me. They were all a part of the road I took that got me to where I am now, but at this moment I need to pay attention to the directions I've given myself and trust my navigation because that's how it should be. I have a new destination with a new mindset and with a partner ready to fight the world alongside me.